It's not always rainbows and butterflies...

and i hope that i'm not revealing too much...

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 03:27:49 GMT

So. I had the most amazing weekend. One of the best in a very long time. It was definitely what I have been needing.
To start it off Thursday Night I went to Farmer's with the ladies:Niki, Kim, Marisa, and Megan. I had some crepes and they were pretty good I mean not Crepe's A-Go-GO status, but walnut creek is a ways away. Then we kidnapped our friend brian because he was feeling down and we dragged him and his roommate Brenton back to our place to watch greys. It was a lot of fun even though we didn't really cheer him up, I think he appreciated the thought. Megan and I got to talk to Brenton which is nice because up until recently he's been overly quiet lol.
Friday I had class all day boo, but I came home to the exciting news of salsa dancing. Well the news was that we were going shopping for hawt dresses actually. Marisa and I picked up Megan and bought some stellar dresses and then I went back and showered and got ready. I went over the the AGO house to be apart of my favorite Big bro's birthday Dinner. It was good to see him happy and enjoying himself. The food was good but as usual I was a little left out. (Hopefully I am working that out a little.) Then I went back to my casa and got pampered with the ladies and went to pick up my lab partner Tommy and Brenton and Gordon. We went salsa dancing and seriously had the time of our lives. Then after we went to visit Chris in the dorms and hung out for awhile, then picked up kim and got food at jack, boy has it been awhile since late night jack... i'm pretty sure the last time I went was with annie and jeff and joe brown. :) That was also good times... anyways. We stayed up watching grey's again and hanging out... did a lil foot soak and went to bed around 3:30.
Saturday morning at 6:30 people came to my house to start cooking for the pledge breakfast. We kidnapped them and had a lot of fun. I went back to sleep for a couple hours, had a bodyshop party with Nicole Kim and Marisa, and speedily got ready for thanksgiving dinner. That's right saturday nite Dickory picked me up and we grabbed a couple more AGO boys and went down to santa barbera for din din with the ADX and AGO chapters there. There was much needed good music on the way down!!I really wanted to go see Mary but there was a lack of time :( mer. But we had an awesome dinner and I got to meet some new people and hear about how ADX converted from LSM and it was very encouraging. Then we had a candle-light thanking time. It really made me happy. Then we left, visited the AGO house there to get a quick tour and went off to Chumash to play some hold'em. It was me, dickory, linds and astro. IT was so much fun expcially since we were still all dressed up and everyone was looking at us. Some lady asked me if I was pregnant, and then had a convo with Astro's shoes... I lost 30 bucks but it was well worth it. Then we drove home and went ot denny's at like 3:30AM. IT was awesome.
My weekend was really awesome and now I get to go home and see some people thatI haven't seen all quarter! Seeing the fam will be nice. God really pulled through for me recently this weekend made a huge difference. I love you all.

and I wonder...

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 03:40:38 GMT

I think it has been way too long since I last updated my livejournal. I'm pretty sure nobody even reads it anymore, but I really don't care. It's my journal so really its just for me. Maybe I should start writing in it more.

It's my second year of college and it is far different than my first. Yeah I know everyone says that but they all say it because they aren't eating dorm food, living on campus having a million friends to hang out with who always drop by, and now, for the first time in their lives, are cooking for themselves. That is if easy mac and cup-o-noodles are considered cooking. (If this is you don't worry I'm not judging you). College is different this year because I am in a much different place. Some of it is good and some not.

I've become distant from a lot of people. Pretty much anyone that I dont see on a regular basis. It's pathetic and completely my own fault, but I don't know why I am doing it. And even though I really want to change, I have a really difficult time doing it.

I've gotten closer with a few people though. I talk to my roommate Niki a lot. And Dickory too. And Scott.

Whats weird about building new relationships is that no matter how much I hang out with people I still dont feel like they know me. I mean, certain people back home know me sooo much and even though we don't often, I still feel like when I see them that they know me more than anyone else. I feel like I could go a year without seeing annie and she would still know me better than anyone else. (Even though I could NEVER go a year without seeing Annie). I feel like people can't really know me unless the know about everything thats ever happened to me, my past. I feel like people can't understand me since they didn't see me struggle with my mom's death. I feel like they can't possibly grasp the idea that I still struggle with it DAILY because they can't possibly understand that relationship that she and I had sp how can they possibly understand how much I effing miss her? I feel like I can't let go of the way things used to be and when I go home I'm surprised every time that things aren't the same. I feel like when I am here time should stop everywhere else so I won't miss out on things anymore.

I don't feel like I am building new memories here. I mean I know that I am, but when I go home I don't feel like i have new exciting stories to share. Don't get me wrong. I am glad that I came here. I love it in SLO and I love the people and new friendships, but I dunno.

I feel like everyone has so much crap in their lives that it's never my turn to talk about my crap, and the truth is I don't want to talk about my crap. I don't even want to think about it. I want to focus on being happy and not worrying about crap that I can't control.

apparently livejournal now limits my size of entries. I guess the rest will have to wait...

A! Mexico! Trip!

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 23:32:41 GMT

Labor Day Blues Got You Down?! Come to Mexico For the Weekend. Scott and I are Planning a Missions Trip down to Tijuana to help build a house and we need your help!

If you are interested, email me, drop me a note, call me, call Kellie, don't sit there!

Don't worry about money, but the more people that come, the less it will cost!

We are going down Saturday morning, building on Saturday, Building on Sunday, coming back to San Diego mid-day on Monday.

If you need a place to stay, don't worry, I know of three families that would be willing to let you crash.

So Don't Sit there! Let's Go! Call me!

This is gonna be a doozy...

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 20:39:32 GMT

About 8 months ago, my best friend challenged me to define myself. Not to do it through the people I hang out with, the guys that I've dated, or the jobs that I've held, but solely define myself through me. As we age we learn more and more about ourselves, and I guess since coming to college I have been trying to define myself as I was wisely advised. The problem is, it's easy to be one person when you are away at college and a completely different person when you re back at home. The hard part is being the same person in both places, and hopefully that is how you can truly define yourself.
I have spent most of my life putting all of my happiness in other people. If you knew me at all when I was a young'n in elementary school, or if we are close enough now that you know this, my family life wasn't so hot. My sister was rebelling against my mom, my dad was drinking too much, and my brother was never home. I spent as much time away from the house as possible. It was my way of denying that things weren't so good. I slept at Mary's house probably every weekend, and sometimes during the week too if things were really bad. I eventually found a youth group and pastor that I came to love, and they adopted me as a part of the family. Unfortunately, my youth pastor soon left, and the youth group kinda fell apart. By now my sister was out of the house and my brother was now causing some problems. Luckily I was playing sports year round so I again didnt have to deal with them. I had my volleyball team to make me feel better and be my new home away from home. I started dating peter and got extremely close to my mom. If anything was going wrong I could go to either of them. Well soon enough my mother got cancer and passed away, the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with and that was only the beginning of illness in the family, we are still having problems. Soon after that peter and I broke up and I again tried o find myself. Annie was there for my and she took me under her wing as she always does. She let me open up to her and helped me to be strong. That is a friendship that can never be replaced. To be honest, Annie Sabrina and Mary are my sisters, they always have been and they always will be. I spent the summer after senior year experimenting with alcohol and cloves. Making new friends and having new experiences. But summer soon ended and we all went our separate ways. Except for Annie. Even though we weren't at the same school we talked on the phone at least 3 or 4 times a day, it wasn't as good as being together, but it worked. We kept each other sane in this new experience. I hung o9ut with Biggy almost ever nite and started to like college. Soon I met Scott, and he introduced me to my roomates, yes you read that right. I finally was able to connect with my roomates and form awesome friendships while meeting new and different people as well. I was able to go home and see annie too. We even got to get our start tats, one of the true symbols of our friendship; non-eraseable and forever. Even at this point I still hadn't really defined myself. I was one person in SLO and another at home. After all of this I was back to where I started... nowhere. But through all of these experiences I can finally introduce myself to those of you who don't really know me.
Here goes nothing.
by the way this is in no particular order...
I love my family. My Dad and I have never been closer since I went away to college and my brother and i as well. I am doing my best to send emails to family on lil updates though I am not very good at keeping that up. I go home when I can but find it hard to juggle time between family and friends, another thing that i probably need some work on. I love Scott. We can both be five year olds together and make lame jokes and be dorky, but also be compassionate and loving. I love my friends, though I havent been a good friend lately. I have found it hard to juggle keeping in touch with people and class and other things. Mainly I have let them down. Especially Annie. I'm sure I have hurt her so much and I am so sorry for that. I am only human, but I do love you and you will always be my sister. I want you to know that. I am sorry to mary and sabrina too. I will work on it, and I am not just saying that like I have before. I love the people in my life. Matt, it's sad that we live so close and talk so little. You know that next year will be better and we will make more time, don't feel guilty. There are many more people to list, but I don't want to make this a competition of who makes the cut, because that is not its purpose.
I don't know what this entry is, I don't know where it is supposed to end or where it really began, but I am gunna keep going because my hands are still typing.
I am a Christian. I love God, and I want to be a good daughter to him. Though I am sure that a few people will laugh when they read that, but I am living my life for him, putting my faith and my trust in him, and doing my best to do what he wants me to. He has already done some amazing things for me. I don't drink anymore. This was my decision and not the decision of anyone else. I made this decision because God doesnt want me to be that person, and I want what he wants for me. I am not trying to hide the fact that I did drink by erasing the evidence, I am simply avoiding misconceptions of who I am now.
I am a dork. I love to be random and abnormal. I love to read. I love to make people laugh and be totally sarcastic, as well as have moments where I completely honest and broken. I want to be there for all of the people in my life. I don't really know what else to say. I've grown up and faced reality, kinda been forced to at times. I'm not judging anyone else for their decisions, putting anyone down or anything along those lines. I am simply being me. And that is all that i can really do.

you turn every head but you dont see me...

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 04:45:16 GMT

Christmas break.
I went to SD and had a good time
I took the train back and wanted to kill myself
I got mono, which was lame, im not gunna lie
I didnt really get to spend time with anyone and those who I did get to see I didnt get enough time with.
I spent Christmas alone in my room.
But fortunately I got to spend new years with my friends.
Break was kinda weird im not gunna lie.

As I sit here again in my room in SLO and look up at my wall with all the memories and all the pictures, it reminds me that you really do mean the world to me. I mean Ive always known that but it reminds me of how good we are together. You've always been there whether it be the happiest day of my life, or one of the many shitty ones, you were there, and you held my head up, and carried me when i needed it. You taught me things about myself and I hopefully did the same in return. I wouldnt take a single thing back, not a single day, even if it did consist of me getting my butt kicked in a five minute game of war, or even if it was limping into togos to get a sandwich because "volleyball makes me void of emotion..." We are like 2 peas in a pod, and every time I look at my wrist I know that we will always be that way. Even if we disagree, even if we're 4 and a half hours away, even if the sky falls down, we will still be strong together because thats the way it has always been. It is your job as my other half to tell me what you think, even when I dont wanna hear it. It is my job to listen to everything that you have to say and to think about it. We may not always agree on everything, and sometimes I have to figure things out on my own, but I love you, with all of my heart, and I know that sometimes I'm not the greatest best friend, but im still here, even at 3am when you accidently send a text message, or there are some creepy guys spraying stuff, or even when its just me sitting on the couch next to you when shit hits the fan for you and we just watch tv. This friendship is one of the best and strongest things in my life. I'm sorry if you're mad at me, but we are stronger than this. I love you.

stop. callaborate and listen.... haha

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 20:42:46 GMT

So I was looking at mr. matthew's last myspace blog and he talked about how much the past year things have changed for him and he changed. I thought I'd do kinda the same things here, because let's face it, a lot has changed in my life in the past year. I hurt someone, that I never ever wanted to hurt and in doin so also hurt myself. I lost a lot of friends because they chose sides when I never asked them to, and they didnt chose my side. I got my heart trampled on by putting it out there. I redefined myself. Got close again to my two best friends that I really care about, (Andrea and Giles), and drifted away from most everyone else. I moved out of my house, and went to college leaving behind everything that I knew, I failed my first college course and it happened to be the only one that had anything to do with my major, I created the lifestyle I want for myself in SLO but kept in touch with the people that care about me. I met someone new and was scared to let myself feel anything for him, but I gave in eventually and I am really happy. I got the mono. But mostly I realized how important some people are to me. I love you all and hope you have happy holidays for what ever you are celebrating, and a great new year. <3

its just not me to waer it on my sleeve, count on that for sure...

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 17:24:28 GMT

I havent updated in awhile and I got bored..

k so you're supposed to just put an x next to things you've done but I decided to add some commentary cause well, thats more fun. haha
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(X) been dumped - on the voicemail of my pager freshmen year! classy I know right. I got dumped another time too, and the guy did it in person cause he was a real man, but the after he did it he walked away and started crying. I was kinda confused, but it was 7th grade so who knows lol.
(x) shoplifted - when I was like 4 and we went to yosemite and we went in this little rock store, and there was this bluish rock sitting in with the black rocks and I wanted to put it back where it belonged with its other blue friends, so I was walking to do that and then my mom told me we were leaving and I accidently took it, then pretended to find it on the gorund on the walk back, she made me return it and pay for it :( ... I just wanted it to be with its friends lol
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(X ) snuck out of your parent's house - many a times, I was in like middle school though, and I got caught once and got in lots of trouble... mom was not a happy camper...
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back - hasnt everyone?
( ) been arrested
( x) gone on a blind date - I went out with annies roomies friend. but it wasnt really datelike.
(x) lied to a friend
(x ) skipped school or class - but I always got it excused haha.
( ) seen someone die
(x ) had a crush on one of your internet friends
() been to Canada/or live there
(x ) been to Mexico/or live there
(x) been on a plane
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire _ this made me think of justin morgan, although I dont think it was on purpose LOL.
( ) eaten Sushi
() been skiing
(x ) met someone in person from the internet - who then turned into a stalker. not a good choice.
(x ) been moshing at a concert - and got attacked.
( x) taken painkillers - they were perscribed!
(X) love someone or miss someone right now - oh dingle. how I wish you were here.
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by - me and kristyn bockover used to do that all the time. I havent done it in a long time.
(x) made a snow angel - last time i made a snow angle nick woods killed it... :(
(x) had a tea party - I have a tea set a really nice one from when I was little!!
(x) flown a kite - not well lol..
(x) built a sand castle - I built a killer sandcastle once, but the ocean flooded it...
(x) gone puddle jumping - I love puddle jumping, but now that I have killer rain boots I am super excited!
(X) played dress up - what little girl didnt?
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves - we used to rack them just so we could jump in them :)
(x) gone sledding - yah on one of those round ones, a little frieghtening im not gunna lie.
(x) cheated while playing a game - sometimes I got a little competitive.
(x) been lonely - every time I think of her.
(x) fallen asleep at school - satire, humanites, and freshmen social science... causght up on a lot of sleep lol.
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set - ive seen some really good ones in the past couple months...
(x) felt an earthquake a bunch! but I felt the 1989 one cause im a real man!
(x) touched a snake - we used to have one as a pet. then we lost it...
(x) slept beneath the stars - I love sleeping under the stars... houseboat memories, the stars are beautiful and seemingly infinite out there. :)
(x) been tickled - even though im not ticklish anymore
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood - im a teenager of course I have
(x) petted a reindeer/goat - reindeer and goat are not the same.
(x) won a contest I wont something at grad nite.
( x) run a red light - I swear it was yellow...
( ) been suspended from school
(x) been in a car - this is retarded
(x) had braces -I wanted them cause everyone else had them and my teeth were bad. they were hell.
(x) felt like an outcast - let's face it I am the outcast friend lol.
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night - david moore informed me of cold stones special on a pint. that was a wonderful day.
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight - at pirates cove where this cute boy taught me how to box dance :)
(x) liked the way you look - I was pretty content with myself before senior ball.
( ) witnessed a crime
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes - the ammermans always have the really cool ones that are acordian style!
(X) squished barefoot through the mud - it felt kinda gross though
(x) been lost - temporaraily misplaced.
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying - just cause I was sick
(x) cried yourself to sleep - many a times
(x) played cops and robbers - I always ended up getting hurt...
(x) recently colored with crayons - I have in like the last 6 months...
(x) sung karaoke - middle school... ashlee tilfords house... haha
(x) paid for a meal with only coins - there was a time where I was trying to get rid o all of my dimes so I paid for everything in dimes, there was like 20 bucks worth im not even kidding lol.
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
() laughed until some kind of beverage came out of
your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain - i am all about dancing in the rain!!!
() written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about - me and mary and britt stayed up to watch the sun rise when we were younger..
(x) blown bubbles -haha look at annies old lj there are some interesting pictures of us with bubbles junior year arouns her birthday lol... good times.
(x) made a bonfire on the beach - college life.
(x) crashed a party - well we werent invited and tried to crash, but it didnt really work.
(x) gone rollerskating - I used to be all about the coupole skate song, til my white bra became neon and glowed through my shirt, I dont think I ever went back lol.
(x) had a wish come true
(x) worn pearls - they were my moms, I wore them on my sisters wedding day.
(x) jumped off a bridge - but it was like a little kids one and I was bigger than it.
( ) ate dog/cat food
( x) told a complete stranger you loved them - swc makes you do weird things
(x) kissed a mirror - with lipstick so I'd leave a mark
(x) sang in the shower - i sound so much prettier in the shower lol.
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something - yah my other hand, that was a sticky situation lol.
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) sat on a roof top - i felt like i could conquer the world while I was doin it too.
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs - at the hill with miss hicklin!!
(x) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours - i think i ended up falling asleep
(x) stayed up all night
() didn't take a shower for a week
() picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree - i also fell out of a tree and broke my wrist in second grade.
() had a tree house/club house
() are scared to watch scary movies alone
() believe in ghosts
(x) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
() worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see
what others say
( ) gone streaking
(x) gone doorbell ditching
(x) played chicken - monkey bar style
(x) pushed into a pool/hot tub with all your clothes that was the nite that marys party turned into a pool party in your clothes, i was not all about that lol.
on
( x) told you're hot by a complete stranger - creepy old men at applebees
( x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused -teheee lok at me right now.
() caught a fish then ate it
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried - everyday in social science with aoife freshmen year haha. and many other times. but Mr hart not the cool one the other one, made us leave the classroom til would could get ourselves together lol.
() cried so hard you laughed
(x) have or had a Britney Spears CD - sadly enough.
(x) forgotten someones name
(x) French braided someones hair
( ) gone skinny dippin in a pool (lol)
( ) been threatened to be kicked out of your house
( ) been kicked out your house
( ) cut urself on purpose
( ) tried to kill urself

wow those last few came outta no where lol. well clearly I was bored and I hope I amused you cause I sure amused myself lol. leave me some love.

<3

I am...

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 00:00:23 GMT

About 6 months ago I realized that I didnt really know who I was anymore. I think that I adapted to situations and people as they came and went, and that I became what I needed to become to be happy in those situations. As time progressed I came became a completely different person, adapting to new things, not because of situations anymore, but new things trying to figure out just who I am really am. I went from one extreme to the next I sortof tried to go back to the first again. The truth is, there was little pieces of the me that I am deep down in all of those masks that I wore. As I write this entry I would just like to state that I have no idea what direction it is going or what conclusions I may get from it. But there is really only one way to find out...
note: if you dont have a lot of time or dont really care, I wouldnt recommend reading any further..

I am daughter; almost 19 years old now. Loved by two wonderful parents one of whom is no longer next to me to share my life, but I know she is still watching it(god knows I loved her more than anything on this earth). My dad and i were never really that close, but the last few years have brought us closer. I know that I could talk to him about anything, but that doesnt make me do it. I dont really go to him with my feelings or problems because I want him to think that i am stronger than I really am, I sometimes think that if he sees me weak he will become even weaker than he already is and I cant handle that. But I love him, I wouldnt want any other Dad but him, and I appreciate that he lets me explore life and find my own limits. Along with being the daughter to these two parents, I am the daughter of the Lord. I know that sounds corny, but its true. I have believed in God ever since I can remember, and I have always strived to please him and live my life for him. My belief in the Lord is huge in my life. It gives me my morals and my values. I go to church, campus crusade, and i'm in a bible study. I think that I have been ashamed of saying that because i dont know how people will react. But the truth is I am a die hard believer and although I am human and constantly struggling because of that, I gave my life to God a long time ago.
I am a sister; whether or not you know it, I have a brother and a sister. Both older. I used to follow my sister around the house so much it annoyed her and she'd tell my mom and I'd have to leave her alone. But I looked up to her. I wanted to be just like her. As time went on she started having problems with my mom, they'd argue all the time and she'd do things intentionally to hurt her. She inadvertately hurt me as well, and our relationship has never been the same since. I've forgiven her for all the things she did, even though she never asked, but I also came to the conclusion that I don't really like her as a person. She is very selfish and thats kinda had to deal with. Well you'd think it would be hard. But I go months at a time without ever seeing or talking to her and I dont really think either of us care. I love her, but that doesnt mean we have to be friends. She will never be the person that I want her to be and I am over wishing she would be. My brother is amazing. Growing up I swore that we would never get along, he made it his life plan to piss me off and succeeded. But as we got older I saw how much he cares about me. He would seriously do anything for me. And that amazes me. He has a huge heart although he likes to hide it. He's extremely smart and he is becoming an awesome father. I love him to death
I am an aunt, a cousin, a neice, a granddaughter; I'm a member of a huge family. Most of whom I never see because everyone is busy and nobody really puts out the effort. But nonetheless we are stuck together and they are all very important to me.
I am a friend; I have a lot of friends, most of whom I never see because again nobody puts out the effort. everyone has their own stuff going on now and they're all adapting to that as am I. I know that being so far away takes a toll on friendship, so i see my friends when I can and I'm happy with that. But along with having this wide range of friends; I have some that I am even closer to. There used to be five or six now there are pretty much 2. One I talk to one the phone like 2 or 3 times a day because we are not close enough to see each other(thats the one who actually made me realize that I needed to write this)and the other I talk to whenever either of us have time in between classes and him slacking on essays. If I have a good day, a bad day, or anything in between I go to them. I am not saying this to hurt you, or to make you feel bad about where our friendship is, because I remember reading stuff like this and getting mad at people and feeling hurt. But right now I am just being straight up honest, and not holding back.
I am a girlfriend; I am dating a friken wonderful guy, whom I hope all of you will someday meet and get to see what I see. I wasnt looking for a boyfriend, God just put him in my life, and trust me I am not complaining. I can go to him just like i can go to my other friends. I am not afraid to tell him how I feel or to be emotional in front of him. We put God into our relationship which is the most important foundation that a couple can have. When we have stuff going on, we sit down and talk about it. We can practically read each others minds; which makes it easier to tell when something is up, good or bad. Even though we've only been together for a couple months, I can tell you straight up that I have never felt like this before. I love him I really do, and I am not ashamed to say it.
I am a student, a roomate, a classmate, an athlete... the list goes on and on.
Here goes nothing:
I dont have a problem with people drinking. I am not a party girl, but I am ok with drinking and getting drunk sometimes, not because its the only way to make me happy, not because I think its "cool," not because I cant think of any other way to enjoy myself, but because it's fun and I do enjoy it. I occasionally have a clove, again not for all of those reasons above, mostly because it relaxes me. I am not all about weed. It disgusts me and I will never smoke it, or any other drug for that matter. I'm not going to not like someone because of that, but I am also not going to hang out with them while they are doing it. Judge all you want to but it's legal and I am not going to hide it anymore. I'm not really into the whole political scene, and it pissed me off when people just sit and argue because lets face it its really rare that anyone changes anyone elses mind on topics. Sorry thats just how I feel. I am reigstered republican believe it or not considering my friends are really liberal. This does not mean thatI support Bush, I am not educated enough on bush to really hold judgement so I stay neutral. I am register republican because I have a lot of the same veiws on issues that they do, and because honestly thats the way I was brought up. I am against abortion. I believe because of my religious backround that gay marriage is a sin. I dont believe however, that gay people are going to hell because of it. God loves everyone and forgives us of our sins. Keeping this in mind, I have no issue with Gay Marriage. People have the right to marry whomever they want to marry, and although I may not agree with it I dont think that I should have the right to make it illegal for them to do that. On the other hand however, I do not think that gay couples should be allowed to adopt children unless that child is old enough to comprehend the situation. I dont think that it is fair to put a child into a lifestyle like that without giving it a choice. I know that a gay couple could treat it just as well if not better than a straight couple, but I also think that it would have a lot of emotionally crap to have to deal with later on in life and thats not fair. I dont have a problem with swearing. I believe that if you use profanity all the time it loses it's meaning. I kinda think that like one of my old english teachers told me, profanity should be used for effect, it gives it power that way. But I do swear, not a lot, more around certain people than others mostly because hearing it more makes me think it more and makes me say it more. Its a bad habit, and im trying to swear less, but i dont really have a problem with other people doing it.

I like to read, to write, to talk, to splay sports, especially volleyball, to hang out and play random games, to go on random walks, to go out to dinner, to shop, to organize and coordinate. I like math, I want to teacher high school math when I get out of college. I like emo music. I love the music that I listen to emo or not emo, and I dont care who else likes it that is not what is important. I love lyrics; I love that you can hear a song and wonder if the artist who wrote it knew you're life story when they were composing it. I like tv. I love the OC, Friends, Sex and the City, Laguna beach(even though I spend most of it yelling at the screen) and certain reality tv programs. I like meeting new people and making new friends. I like being crazy and spontaneaous. I want to go sky diving. I like doing new things...

this is me. or at least what I know about me right now. I'm learning more about myself every day, as hopefully everyone else is as well. I'm sure I pissed some people off with some of this, but you know what, im not gunna hide stuff anymore. I'm proud to be who I am. I'm not even gunna reread this, cause ill probably end up wanting to change stuff, comment if you want, but dont feel obligated to. this wasnt about any of you, this was about me, figuring out who I am, and I guess I did...

take it or leave it.

she thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway...

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 05:22:01 GMT

When we were younger, anything and everything made us happy. I've seen pictures of myseld holding a spoon with the biggest smile on my face because that little old spoon made my life complete. As we get older it is harder to find things that make us happy. We turn to music, televison, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, alcohol, drugs, sports and so on. We turn to other things to make us happy and for the most part it works. But eventually it all gets old; we need something new to make us happy and fufilled. We've tried everything and now we are just unhappy and depressed and lost. Everyone reaches this place in life, honestly there is no real solution. But I was thinking about happiness in general and I think that the problem that most of us have is that we approach it the wrong way. We shouldnt define ourselves and our happiness through the things that we do or the people that we are with. Relationships fade, we become tolerant of alcohol, we run out of time for tv and music, and our happiness also starts to Deteriorate. If you build your house out of hay, the big bad wolf will have no problem blowing it over. We need bricks; a foundation that will hold our happiness even when the wolf huffs and puffs. Wow random analogy that may not make sense. But what I think that it comes down to is that we have to make ourselves happy with ourself. You have to define yourself by who you are and not what you do. We have to put all of our effort into making ourselves content with who we are so that we can be happy. Music, friends, relationships, they may all make us happy as well, but the core of our happiness must be in something deeper; something that goes away with you to college, and when you enter into your life after schooling. True happiness is buried within all of us; the hard part is finding it.

Again with the random entry I know, I was just thinking about this today and attempting to organize thoughts. You may not agree with this, or may not even understand it, it's just how I feel.
I love you all :)
<3

just keep swimming... and hoping

...and the walls are closing in on you...

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 06:51:05 GMT

I forgot how much it hurt to let myself realize how much i miss her. And im so thankful that you were there to hold me in your arms when I couldnt hold back my tears any longer, and to tell me that everything will be ok...

It's times like these when you appreciate what you have. I have an amazing foundation thats been building over time: I have a family who loves me, friends that are closer than some of my blood and that mean more to me, a boyfriend who is more amazing than I could ever ask for, and so much more. I thank God everyday for people like you. and dont you forget it.

Random short update i know, but it was a moment worth updating about. I love you all...

put your hand in my hand... and promise you'll stay forever..

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 07:00:27 GMT

It's weird taking a step back from life, looking at how things have changed for the good and for the bad. Leaving home and going to college was a huge step. Living on my own, having bills that I am resposible to pay on time or there are consquences, having to feed myself meals everyday (which let's be honest I have been doing for a long time because who knows the last time I actually hada home cooked meal at home), but even just grocery shopping, and trying to conserve money. Meeting new people, finding a church, making new friends. Who knew that so much would happen in such a short time. It was hard at first, took me awhile to get into a groove and to get used to everything, but lately I have been realizing how happy I am with life. Cal Poly is beautiful, I love the city, the campus and especially the people. It feels so homelike and warm. I couldnt have asked for a better location. It sucks being 3 hours away from home, from brina and my dad and brother and my little neice. Sucks being 4 hours from annie, i'm pretty sure the phone bill is proof of that lol. I miss my marbear too, she's not even that far away I just never really have time to go visit. But even with all of this, there is some much to be thankful for. I have Matt and David why are just two awesome guys and awesome friends and I love them sooo much its unbelievable. I have 2 friken amazing roomates who are sooo hilarious I find it hard to study. It's amazing. My bible study group is awesome. And I was also lucky enough to find an awesome guy who treats me way better than I deserve. I was kinda sick all weekend, and he took care of me. I kinda wished I could've hit life's pause button right then and stop life for awhile because it was amazing. Classes are going better, i'm just trying to survive the end of the quarter and get to the next one. So basically over all things are going pretty well. I get to see annie and brina and Mary, and aparently a lot of other people this weekend so thats really exciting. I am all about relient k this weekend I am not gunna lie. Wow this was all scattered and random and I'm just gunna stop myself now lol. Hope everything is going well for everyone else. Love you all <3

Happy Birthday DMO

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 15:28:56 GMT

Happy birthday to one of my best friends. David, I dont know where I would be without you. You've always been there for me, through thick and thin and everything in between. You alway listen and give me advice and help me, and make me laugh so hard I forget all the bad things that happen sometimes. I love you so much I cant even begin to describe it. You are so amazing. I thank God for putting you in my life because I wouldnt be the same person that I am now without you in my life. You have such a big heart and I am soo thankful that you've shared it with me. I'm glad that we are here together at college and that hopefully we will get even closer. It's early and I am retarded and cant think straight so I am sure that there was more I had to say but I clearly am blanking out. I love you so much. Happy birthday love.

Emo Status lol

Oh naked boys...

why are we so good looking?

I love you with all my heart and I hope today is fabulous for you <3

Ive been trying to be where you are... ive been secretly falling apart...

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 17:01:45 GMT

It seems like everyone is going through something right now. Good or bad, but mostly bad from what I hear, im not gunna lie. And what is hard for me is not being able to be there, to give you a hug, or to work really hard and make you smile, or to remind you that although stuff is scary, or sucky, or you just hate everything about life, that there is sooo much good there too. When you feel like everything is going wrong I am still just a phone call away, and even though i may not know what to say to make you feel better, that I am here and I am listening and I love you. You are special, and amazing and beautiful. One of a kind and dont you forget it.

I've been doing pretty good. I miss certain people like crazy, what can I say, my friends are irreplacable, and I would never even think about trying. But my roomates and I are freaking bonded and I love it. We're like the only apartment in the complex where all 3 of us get along so well. It's a good thing that we are all pretty much crazy lol. I also have these two friends here that kinda smell, but are still amazing. And I love it when they butt into my business because it reminds me that they care. <3 thanks for being so freakin awesome.

I am going home again a week from today for the falloutboy concert, and I am super excited to get to hang out with my lovers all weekend. I cant really think of anything else to say. I was really excited to see sooo many people over homecoming weekend. I'm sorry if we didnt get to hang out though. Leave some love.
<3

Take two steps back from all of this, remember what you started with, it was nothing at all...

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 23:12:17 GMT

So my Liverjournal is clearly feeling neglected and we cant have that so I decided to update. I've been meeting a lot of new people and making some great friends so im really excited. But I am not gonna lie, they will never be able to fill the places of my BIG, the biter, or my miranda. <333 I love you ladies. I really dont have a whole lot to say lol. This weekend I am going to SoCal for a retreat with campus crusade, so I am excited about that, and then the next weekend im going home for homecoming weekend. Minus the whole going to the dance part lol. but hopefully ill get to see some of you when I get home. mer the books are calling. I never thoughtI would study this much in my life and ive been slackin with it lately. Eh. my grades are doing fine so its all good lol. Leave me some love.

also Brina asked me to post my address so in case you wanna write me or something, which i highly doubt lol, you can. But i'd like it if you sent me some pictures so that I can decorate my wall lol <3

555 Ramona Drive
San Luis Obispo California 93405
Apartment 20C

so yah lol.

lover you all. <3

I think I dreamed you into life...

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 16:52:23 GMT

So I was looking at good old LJ and sad that I hadn't updated in forever. And I know that you are all dying to know what is going on in my uber exciting life lol. It was tough to leave livermore not because it's great ther because we all know that it really isnt lol, but it was hard because it was everything that I knew. Just like it was hard to move to livermore when I lived in castro valley. Transitions are hard, especially when you're moving and leaving your family behind. But as I drove myself down to SLO to move into my apartment I felt free. I knew that I was opening a new chapter to my life, and that now I was on my own. Aparently when I wasnt payign attention I grew up and was leaving home lol. My Roomates are really great. Nikki and Kim. They are both really nice and although our class schedules are never the same and it seems like whenever one of us is coming the others are going it's nice living together lol. Classes are fine. The only class that really worries me is my calc class (pathetic since I am a math major), but my teacher just doesnt really know how to teach and doesnt really give us a lot of time to take our tests and quizzes. But it's something that I am working on lol. My other classes arent too hard as of now. But they all like to have tests quizzes midterms whatever you want to call them in like the same time period, so this week has been extremely stressful. lol. Not being in the dorms I havent met a lot of people, but I have made some new friends and they are really great. Luckily I also have that crazy Biggy kid to hang out with even though he smells. And annie and I are clearly obessesed with each other and talk on the phone all of the time lol. And I talk on the phone with some other people too. It's nice. Me and my dad are talking more than ever. It's fabulous.
Well.... last thursday after class I drove from SLO to Davis and spent the night with my hicklin and her crazy AZN roomate whom I love with all my heart. lol we had a real good time. I wish that my room was a pretty as hers lol. the next day I drove home and went to granada to give hahn a tshirt and hung out there for a lil while and then met up with brina at target and spent some money... I think I have a spending problem lol. And then we went and got cold stone and I clearly hadnt had cold stone in like a month and a half so it was amazing. Then I went and saw heffrey with annie and brina and then annie dyed my hair and I went to bed early cause I was real tired. Sat was grandparents day. drove to sac with my bro and then came back and went to oakland for dinner, had to make the gparents rounds lol. Then We kicked livermore's ass. And made history. It was real good times lol. The next day went to the mall and got my car washed and most importantly went to MCR concert!!!! It was freaking AMAZING!!! The loves of my life annie brina and Jeffrey were all there and I am not gunna lie, we rocked out hard core and I totally lost my voice. then I drove back here and thought I was going to fall asleep behind the wheel. not good times lol. well this entry is long and kinda boring im not gunna lie. call me sometime I am all about talking to you people lol. I love you all!!!!!!!! <333

it is just camp!

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 17:31:21 GMT

t-5

I thought that you'd be here by now...

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 20:55:00 GMT

I was gonna update on life cause I am bored, but then I realized that I am lazy, and if you really wanted to know what was goin on you would've asked already lol. Instead I jacked this from Brina's old mspace bulletin. haha

1. First thing you did this morning? Thanked the Lord that it was friday and I didnt have to go to class. Then I turned on the TV and watched Sex in the City. Hollleeer
2. Last thing you ate: candy! Pop Tart. Strawberry. It was pretty darn good too. I'm not gonna lie.

3. Is your cell phone a piece of crap? My old phone was worse, I just dont really know how to work this one lol.
4. What's the thing you look forward to most in the next 6 months? Hmm.. there is a lot on that List. I am excited about going up to Davis Next thursday, also getting to go home and go to 2 real good concerts. Plus I mean college, new friends, and hanging out with the old ones. <3

5. What's annoying you right now? a lot of things lol...

6. Whats the last movie you watched? Sergent Blinko last nite with biggy because we are amazingly cool and you are all jealous!
7. Do you believe in long distance relationships? I believe that it can work. I also think that if you dont see the person that you are in love with very often, it will be really hard on both of you. I dunno, most of the time they dont work.

8. What's worse...being in love with someone you can't have or pretending to love someone you don't? Being in love with someone you cant have is probably one of the worst feelings ever, and I havent experienced first hand I've only seen it. And just watching it made me hurt. Pretending to love someone that you dont isnt good either though. I mean its not as bad, but if the other person loves you, you are just hurting them and kinda hurting yourself. Love is just like that. It seems there is a lot more hurt to it than people really know.

9. Is there someone you miss so much it makes you sad? There is someone that I miss so much my eyes fill with tears when I think about her. Losing someone especially someone sooo important to you is the worst feeling ever, and there is a void there that nobody on this earth can fill.

10. What inspires you? When I look in the mirror I see myself as broken, weak, and lost. What inspires me, is that the people that I care most about dont see me as that at all. What inspires me, is that when I feel like shit, they know how to pick me up. What inspires me is those people; the ones who won't let you give up, even when you have lost all hope and you think that you are ready to give up. What inspires me, is knowing that shes looking down and smiling, because I am doing what we planned on me doing. And that even though she isnt here first hand, she is here in my heart.

11. If you could put together a concert of 5 bands, who would you choose? oo this is a toughy. Relient K, Fall out boy, something corporate, switchfoot, and... probably the all american rejects... who knows.

12. Lyric that sums up your love life? What love life? "and it sinks in, through these holes in your old bedsheets you might spend your life alone, and you dont wanna be alone."
13. Whats the one thing you wish you could do better? life haha.

14. If you could be anywhere this second, where would it be? It's not about where I would be, Its about who I'd like to be there.

15. What's your most vivid memory from 6th grade? um. April fools day. all bad. I distincting remember getting asked out by drew morris and thought we were dating til the end of the day when he was like "april fools" I really do have great taste in men. lol

16. Latest addiction? internet. my connection to the outside world lol.

17. Have you ever had the slight urge to kill someone? not kill anyone, but I have had the urge to hurt someone really bad.

18. How many people would you say you were interested in at once? well I mean at one point in time I distinctly remember 3. Right about now, I am still meeting new people. So I would have to say 1... annie and biggy know whats up haha

19. Who are you in love with? "most people plan their weekends in college to go visit their significant others, I plan mine to go see you." haha

20. Do you think someone thinks about you daily? My daddy does, and that hott girl annie does too.

21. Are you self confident? um. I am self confident when it comes to my personality but not so much my looks. I dunno if that makes any sense.

22. What would you change about yourself? there are a lot of things I'd like to change about myself.

23. What book are you reading right now? college leaves you little time to read.

24. How many people do you know with the same name as yours? a lot, but only one who spells it the same!!!

25. What was the last thing you spilled? um. I have no idea. I think I spilled some water on myself this morning.

lol as you can see I was a little bored. But now I gotta go shower and play with matt. Feel free to call me anytime. I have no life lol <333

did you know I miss you?

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 19:15:24 GMT

A year ago today I was thrown the biggest curveball of my life, and it hasnt been the same since. Most people can't even begin to understand what its like to lose the most important person in your life, the one person who always kept you going, the person who brought you into the world, and then left you there before you were ready. As I pack my bags for college, I know that she would be so proud and so excited, and she'd already be filling the calendar with the dates I was coming home and the ones where she'd come visit me, she'd have taken the rest of the week of to drive me down and get settled in, and to make sure that I know exactly where everything I could possibly need in the town is, but that is not the case. She didnt get to see me pack, or graduate, or help me pick out the perfect prom dress, or hold me when I was hurting. She wont be there to see me off to college, or to welcome me home when I come back to visit. She wont be there to plan the perfect wedding, or to help me pick out the perfect flower arrangement and bridesmaid dresses. She wont be there to hold my hand through life's challenges or to give me a hug when im feeling down. These are the things that I have had to face, along with moving out and going to college and leaving the best friends behind who make my life liveable. (even though its just like camp). I miss my mom more than anything ever. and I know shes in heaven, andshe happy and she still loves me but its hard, harder than anyone else will ever comprehend. You say I've changed this year, some people think its good and some think its bad, but most dont even know me anymore. I had to change. You dont know what its like to lose the person who helped define you and thus because of that lose yourself as well. I am trying to find myself, to redefine myself, and most of you havent been apart of that, and that's ok its just sad. Tomorrow I leave, and I open a new chapter to the story of my life. I'm nervous and scared and excited and so many other things all at the same time. So keep me in your thoughts, and your prayers, and maybe call me sometime or just leave me a little comment here and there. but not on this entry, and I know how I say that and ten 10 people do anyways, so I am clearly making that impossible for you this time. I love you all.

<3
RIP Deborah Lynn Goldberg
September 14, 2004
the love of my life.

... and im sure your view from heaven beats the hell out of mine here....

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 20:19:20 GMT

and when the shit hits the fan, I'll be there

I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 22:36:56 GMT

So I felt like updating because I have nothing else to do at the moment which usually makes for a pretty retarded entry. This past few weeks has been pretty fabulous though. Tidepooling, cheesecake factory, BJ's and pazookie, Keiths house, random driving and having a good time, noah's bagels and the hill, but waaaaay to much working I hate applebees. Luckily I only have like 6 more days! Avioding reality checks that I leave for college in 18 days. Denial is a sweet copeing mechanism. And not just for college.... too tired to write anymore. I told you this entry would be lame.

nobody puts baby in the corner!

<3

the stars will cry the blackest tears tonite....

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 20:20:01 GMT

so much to say and yet I dont have the words. I'm glad that you were there to hold my hand.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 20:02:49 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE SABRINA PERATA!!

you're my best friend and I love you with all of my heart. I will always be there for you even if I am a little bit more of a drive. I love you baby. thanks for being so awesome. I hope fthis birthday is the best one yet!

by your side...

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 09:15:47 GMT

Today I registered for my first term at Cal Poly. When did I get so old? In exactly 37 days I will be leaving my home and moving into my apartment. 4 days after that I will begin college. I have never had so many mixed emotions in my life. Soon I will be grocery shopping on my own, having to drive 3 and a half hours to see the family that I've lived with my entire life. Hours away from my girls, and yet it's a new beginning. A time to meet new people and to explore my life, to find out who I am when nobody else is around. Clearly I am too tired to think about all this anymore. aaaa I need a happy picture to conclude this entry....

honestly where would I be without these girls? They keep me sane.

love me

you know it!!!

Sun, 07 Aug 2005 08:06:15 GMT

AZN Mike throws some kick ass parties... even if he missed out on most of it!! haha... last nite was flippin amazing even though I was clearly too late because of work! I love my life

I miss my brina.

love me.

I can still remember

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 21:57:11 GMT

oh my goodness... it seems like I have been gone forever. Summer advising was alrite im glad that david was there otherwise I would have been a loner the whole time and it was nice having a friend. My apartment is right near everything that I could ever need so that made me happy too. Then we went to SWC with peter lbk britt and jeff, and brina and annie came for thursday which oober cool except that I wanted to see different concerts so we didnt hang out as much as I would like but we still had fun. Annie "mommed" me and took care of my sun burn, I chose to wear a sweatshirt and hide from the sun the rest of the trip. The newsboys concert was flipping amazing and I am sooo glad that I was there for it. All the other bands were good too and I now have some new music to listen to. But I am glad to be home! Home sweet home. Even though my cell phone is broken and I dont get the replacement til thursday. My hands are tired from typing and my body is exhausted. Love me